When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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