don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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