eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
