Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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