I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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