this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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