i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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