i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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