dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
