So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
