I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
