Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
