lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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