You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
