i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The air taste purple.
Randomize
