The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
