what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
