Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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