I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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