I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
