$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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