Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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