I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
