Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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