He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
