my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
