I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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