i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
