My cat gives me a boner
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
