I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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