Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
