I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
