oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
