i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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