I think scott just propositioned me for sex
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
