like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
