i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
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my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
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I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.