Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.