I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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