You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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