I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
