The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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