Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
