When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
