did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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