lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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