there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
