Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
