It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
