So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
