Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
