I wanna passion pit in your ass
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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