I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
