we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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