If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
