I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
