I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
