Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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