I got chris browned last night
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
