if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
