Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
