Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
