if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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