Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
